Monday, March 8, 2010

random shyt

it's really been almost a month since i posted. oops.  i told myself i was not going to do that.  atleast once a week i want to post, with 3 being the goal.  i'm fukkin up. my bad.

i think babymomma and i finally came to an agreement with mini.  she's going to be taking him to sc until he starts middle school and at that point, if she has still not moved back to ga, he will be coming back with me.  if she has, we will share custody like we always have while she was here.  there will also be unlimited visitation for each parent of course.  i am good with this agreement.   it would be great if she moved back before then, but if not atleast i know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.  her lawyer is suppose to draw up the papers for me to sign and file, so until that time i will just remain hopeful that she does not back slide.  i don't think that's going to happen seeing as though i have the upper hand at this point.  we shall see though, she's been known for trickery.

i have a job interview tomorrow for a position within my company.  if your reading this, pray, fast, meditate, send positive thoughts...whatever your 'thing' is, please do so for me to get this job.  i really would like to get the fuck out of the IT field and this position would suit me perfectly. so not only will getting out of IT be an incentive, but it is actually a job i think i will enjoy doing.  i've been at this point before with my company, but things have not worked out in the past, mainly due to the salary requirements.  thats the one thing i do like about IT, is that the money is usually pretty decent and it generally pays more than other fields.   i have a good feeling about this one though, so i remain hopeful. 

my birthday is coming up in a few weeks and i'm still tring to decide what i'd like to do.  i thought of getting one of those 'party' buses, invite a lot of bitches and hoes and just cruise around town. lol@ bitches and hoes, nevermind me i just wanted to type that.  on a serious note, i've found buses that is actually like a club on wheels.  full bar, dance floor, karaoke machine, STRIPPER POLE (WHAAT??)...the whole nine.  i thought it would be a great idea and a good ass time, however i do not want to spend the money that it requires to do this.  with that being said, i guess i'll settle for a cute lil tapas spot and invite a few folks.  when in doubt..go eat, drink and party n bullshyt afterwards.  it's always a win.  i'm still toying with the idea of a house party, but idk if i want to put in the work. 

have any of you ATL folks been to wet willies yet?  i love me some wet willies on south beach and i cannot wait to see if this location is going to give me what i need. i think im going to check them out this weekend. if it checks out ok, im going to make that a pre bday celebration the day before.  call-a-cab is da shyt!

thas all.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

boys are not suppose to cry

i wrote this post over 5 years ago.  i lost the blog that i posted this to, but came across this post in an email.  it still amazes me to go back and read things that i've written a long time ago.  the more things change, the more they stay the same.  please excuse the grammatical errors, i wasn't one for correcting myself very  much back then (and i didn't feel like doing it now either)

boys are not suppose to cry...

....well, that's what i've always heard. growing up as a child i always knew that boys were not suppose to cry. i never questioned it, it was just known. holding in your cry is the worst feeling. you get that lump in your throat that just won't go away. your eyes water up as your face starts to crack b/c you've been tryin to hold all your expression. it's just not a good feeling. but as i got older i got really good at it. i was able to hide my expression completely and even better i was able to not even FEEL it! as a child and growing into my teens, this was what made me "tough". it was all i had. like i said before i wasn't athelic at all, so by me being able to act like nothing ever fucks with me made me tough. i used it to my advantage. i never allowed myself to deal with my hurt. so i didn't have to cry. b/c why? boys are not suppose to cry.

as i reflect on this aspect of my childhood, i can see how this has had negative impact on my relationships with other people. after my marriage, one thing i realized is that i was emotionally detached from my wife. i only allowed her to get so close to me before i would put up a wall. i never wanted to show any signs of weakness b/c i did not want to appear weak. i didn't show much compassion towards her. it's like i had no feeling sometimes. just totally non chalant about everything. that is one of the things that bothered her the most. the kill part is at the time i did not realize just how bad i was. i think i have grown from that alot, but it's still something i deal with. ofcourse me being this way put limitations on our relationship. we could not grow closer to one another. i didn't allow it. i wasn't ready for it. i think my ex wife has only seen me cry twice. once when we got married and once when i broke down. and we were together for 12 years.

i blame this alot on the way i grew up. aside from "boys are not suppose to cry", my parents also did not show a whole lot of emotion towards me and my sister or each other. nor were they very affectionate. like i dont' remember my mother telling me she loves or hugging me alot. maybe when i was around 5 or so, but not beyond that. and my father? the first time he told me he loved me, i was 13 and he and my mom was seperated. i was on the phone with him and he said to me "i know your mother is telling yall bad stuff about me, but you know i love you right?". when i heard those words tears started streaming down my face and i could barely speak. i cannot explain the feeling i felt when he told me that. it was undescribable. funny thing is, when i would go away for the summer and my mom would call to speak with me i always tear up when she told me she loved me before we got off of the phone. not as much as an impact when my father said it, but still an impact.

after my marriage i really started to evaluate who i was and what i wanted to change. i actually started doing this prior to our seperation. which is another reason why we divorced b/c at this time we were still discovering who we were and grew apart. anyways, besides the point. well at this point i started realizing these things about me and why i was the way i was. i actually use to go to a counselor after me and my wife seperated. while we were trying to work on our marriage we went to marriage counseling and i kinda digged going to a counselor. and it was free through my job at the time so i continued going. it really helped me to figure out some shit about myself. counselors don't really tell you shit you don't know, but they help you to bring things to your consciousness that is not very easy to do on your own. so it helped me in that aspect. and when you know why you may do the fucked up things you do, it makes it so much easier to change and get over b/c you pick up on the lesson learned and are able to evolve into a stronger person to learn the next lesson.

well my next really SERIOUS relationship was with a dude. this was the first time that i had ever actually had emotional feelings for a dude. sure i had been with dudes before, but not like this. it started off as more infatuation and eventually... i fell in love with this man. this shit was a blow to me. totally unexpected. a dude? in love? what? but i couldn't do anything but enjoy the way i was feeling. as so i did. and for awhile it was good as in with any relationship and then it came to a s-l-o-w end. this is one relationship that i will never regret. although i am very happy to be out of it, i cannot take away the fact that i became a 100% better person from it. ok, that may be a bit of an exaggerration but i really learned alot about myself. i believe that relatioship allowed me to be more open. when in a relationship with a woman, i had the thought of "i am a man and i will withold all weakness". when i got in this situation, i was more comfortable showing weakeness and so was he. i guess when we got to a point where we were "so in love" and allowed ourselves to open up to one another, it allowed us to be more emotional. i learned how to express myself and not be afraid of looking weak b/c he was doing the same thing. it was the first time i ever allowed myself to cry on the shoulder of the person i was with. until then i was never able to just open myself up and speak more about my insecurities, show those insecurities and show any emotion that i am feeling at the time. and that is one thing i am extremely appreciative of him for that. i've always been that person to be strong for everyone. i am the shoulder to cry on. and it wasn't b/c i didn't have access to that shoulder. i didnt' allow myself to utilize it b/c that would only be "weak". well i got over that. i now allowed myself to cry on someone's shoulder and at the same time still being that shoulder for him. i found a balance. this is one lesson that will be a welcomed in my future relationships.

i know i got a little off topic as i tend to do ALL the time. but i wanted to lead into (yes i know this is long, bear with me i'm about to wrap it up..besides nobody seems to be in the blogging mood these days so this will give yall some shyt to read.. lol), how i am raising my son in regards to crying and showing emotion. one thing i make sure i do is show him plenty of affection. i always kiss him, hug him, lay down on the couch with him etc. etc. (i always admired the wayans family when i see how affectionate they are with each other. i tell him i love him everyday and i make sure that he knows it's ok to be affectionate. it's ok for him to show emotion. when he cries, i never tell him not to cry. or that he is not suppose to cry. however i do admit this part is a challenge. when he cries at something that i think is silly or if he starts to cry before telling me what's wrong, i will get frustrated and say "are you a big boy or a baby"? i try not to do that and just tell him that he doesn't have to cry, just tell me what's wrong and i can help him. i want him to be able to feel like he can cry, but just not any little thing. and i also feel like you should allow yourself to cry or be vulnerable only in front of certain people. there is a time and place for everything. so usually when he gets in trouble or something and start crying i tell him to go in his room until he is finished crying. i never tell him to stop, but the shit is loud and hurts my ears.. lol

i don't want him to be one of those boys in school that always cries at everything but i don't want him to feel like if he wants to cry, he is not suppose to either. so it's kinda hard to teach him that balance. i just dont' want him to struggle with the same thing that i struggled with. if i can teach him better, i will. learning to deal and balance emotions is a bitch.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


It was 2 years ago today that I received the call from my sister that she had just attempted CPR on my father and the ambulance had just took him away.

"Gee, I think daddy is dead!" She was crying uncontrollably.

I had never heard my sister like this. I think the fact that I was hearing her this way scared me more than the possibility of my father being dead. I felt helpless, fearful, confused and upset. Living so far away from my family left me feeling guilty that I was not there to control the situation. I could do nothing except wait for my sister's call once she got to the hospital and get the verdict on my father's fate.

And so I did. He was dead. I was stunned. Nothing could come out of my mouth. I did not know what words to speak to my sister who held the other end of the phone in an emotional wreck. And then she mentioned my mother who was away on a weekend trip.

"What is momma gonna do? She's not going to be able to handle this." She cried.

And then I broke at the thought of my mother hearing the news. Her being so far away, when she was there to take care of him everyday he laid sick in the bed. The one weekend she decided to go away, he did too. Did he plan it this way? Did GOD plan it this way? Was he meant to be lying on my sister's couch when he took his last breath, instead of the couch in the home that he shared with my mother for 30 years?

Damn that man. He always had a plan and knew how to execute it.

No matter how many times I told myself that I was prepared for the day he would transform energies, I wasn't. In those short moments after I hung up the phone with my sister and laid in bed replaying every memory of my father, I felt incredibly empty. It didn't matter that we didn't talk much or we weren't as close as we could have been. It didn't matter that I lived 450 miles away and didn't see him that often anyways. It didn't matter that the most he had to say to me when I called was "Hey son, how are you? How's the car running? Here's your mother."

The only thing that mattered at that moment was he wasn't here anymore. He was gone. And as the tears streamed down my face to no end, I mourned. I regretted. I felt upset. Mad. Angry. Sad. I felt so many things. Empty being the word to sum it up all in one.

And as I lay in this steaming bath water reflecting on the life and death of my father, I still feel the emptiness inside. There will always be that void inside of me. So many things over the past 2 years I wish I could share with him. So much advice he could have given me. But all I can do is take what I've learned from him the 31 years he was here for me and be the man I know he would be proud of.

I love you daddy. R.I.P.


Thursday, January 28, 2010

finally, a breakthrough

i used to be most proud of the relationship i had with my ex-wife. the relationship that we shared as babymomma-babydaddy was quite unique and rare. we were very close friends and could talk to each other about anything. anything she needed from me, i was always there for her and vice versa. it took us awhile after our divorce to get to this place, but we did get there. when it came to our son we had the best communication and arrangement that anyone in our situation could ask for. legally, we had joint physical and legal custody of him and emotionally/mentally/spiritually, it was no different.

this all took a drastic turn for the worse when she decided that she no longer wanted to live in atlanta, but instead wanted to pursue other ventures in our home town of charleston, sc (we were HS sweethearts). i was very apprehensive about agreeing to her move to charleston, which would entail taking my son, but as a friend and supporter i decided to give her the benefit of the doubt despite my feelings on the living arrangements that my son would be placed in. however, my agreeing to the move was given a couple of conditions. 1. she get herself stable in her own space within 6 months. a space that would allow my son the environment that he was use to. 2. if he started to show signs of not adjusting well (which included not doing well in school), he would return here with me. she agreed.

things started off ok at first. it was very hard for me to be 450 miles away, but i understood that since we were not married, there was always a chance that one of us may move away. after all, it is the reality of our situation. however, slowly but surely things started to deteriorate in my eyes. neither one of the conditions were met and even though she agreed to those conditions, she did not hold true to her word and after several attempts to work things out amicably, i was forced into a draining, dramatic custody battle. a battle which ended up in my favor. since then, our relationship has been as worse as it could get and most likely is not repairable. it still hurts me to the core that things turned out this way, but i know that the well being of my son is more important than the relationship that we shared.

we have not really communicated at all since that day in court. emails and text messages here and there as it related to our son, but not much more. there was one shouting match via email and the phone over our personal issues with one another as a friend and as parents, but that was it. as you can imagine the communication was very emotional and heart wrenching. in fact, it was not much communication at all. just alot of tears, anger and talking over each other.

yesterday we had our first exchange since the hearing. granted, it was still emotional but we were able to at least hear each other out and there was less anger involved. with that being said, it was still an argument. after ending our phone call things weighed really heavily on me. i replayed every word she said to me and i to her. i was able to understand some of the things she said to me that she did not agree with and i kinda, sorta got the feeling that it was the same for her. i was more open to her point of view and felt like i wanted to try and work things out with her again (even though she stated she was ready to go back to court to fight again). with the thoughts that went through my mind, i wondered what was going through hers.

that brings us today. i ended up getting a text from her asking what kind of agreement would make it easier for both of us in relation to mini. i was FLOORED. it was so unexpected. when i tell you that i have at least attempted 10 times to work things out between us w/o going to court, i am not exaggerating. she consistently declined and stated that we needed to go court. i don't think that she thought i was serious about taking it there and even if i was, she was sure that no judge would give custody to the father, especially because he was an open homosexual. i responded to her letting her know that i was open to suggestions and i never wanted it be this way. we ended the conversation by stating that we would work with our lawyers to try and settle this amicably and get back with one another.

today was a major breakthrough in our relationship. we will most likely never be friends again, but the most i can ask for at this point is for us to communicate again, be respectful of our feelings and thoughts towards our son and to try and work things out between us like we always have. next to losing my father, this had to be one of the most painful, stressful ordeals i have ever had to go through. i only hope that it continues to go up from here.

keep me in your thoughts.

Friday, January 22, 2010

100 things about me..

Back in my old blogging days, we had a "100 things about me" list going around the blogosphere.  In an effort to update some of my old readers on whats been going on and to enlighten new ones (hey yall), I thought i'd do it again.  I think you should too. 

1. I have full custody of my 9 year old son.

2. I am an aries.

3. I am the youngest of 2. (Shots out to my big, lil sis!).

4. I am biracial.

5. My father passed way almost 2 years ago.

6. I am a homosexual.

7. I am married, yes legally.

8. I use to be a daily weed smoker.

9. It use to be my inspiration to write (ramble). I kinda miss those days.

10. I’ve been through (and am still kinda going through) a dramatic custody battle with my ex wife.

11. I love to cook.

12. I love to bartend.

13. I love to entertain.

14. I have a loud mouth.

15. I can be extremely sarcastic.

16. I use to be 246lbs (years and years ago).

17. I am now about 177lbs.

18. I LOVE my friends to death!

19. I love to travel.

20. I am very giving.

21. I have good credit.

22. I have an enormous student loan balance.

23. I’ve been out of college for over 10 years and have made about 2 payments. Forbearance is a necessary evil.

24. I am in the IT field, but I don’t like it.

25. I can be very jealous and territorial.

26. I am extremely liberal.

27. I do not like religion.

28. I love GOD.

29. This is my 4th blog of 7 years. One of them a secret.

30. That one detailed my sex life during the time.

31. I love seafood.

32. I love soulfood.

33. I cry at movies.

34. I am on the p90x challenge.

35. I hate yoga!

36. I love spin class.

37. I’ve had plastic surgery.

38. Not to my face.

39. When the time comes though, I am not opposed to botox!

40. Does that make me vain? (I know that was a question, so what).

41. I love diverse crowds.

42. I love roller coasters.

43. I think I live above my means.

44. I am horrible at saving money.

45. I do pay my bills on time though.

46. I am totally out of the closet.

47. Although my mother accepts me, she’s still ashamed of my lifestyle.

48. I think she’s ashamed that she’s still ashamed. Even after all the e.lynn harris books she has read.

49. I love jeans.

50. I love to shop.

51. I am a bit controlling.

52. I love to sing.

53. I have a horrible voice though. Lol

54. I love porn!

55. I’ve gotten very patient with age.

56. Except when waiting on people.

57. I sometimes go another route when I want to avoid someone I don’t want to talk to.

58. I hate talking on the phone.

59. I am going bald

60. I have freckles

61. I love starbucks

62. I love to tan

63. the smallest things can annoy me

64. I am typically attracted to guys that are shorter than me

65. and darker

66. I don’t discriminate though.

67. I hate skinny jeans.

68. I hate the old skool run dmc glasses.

69. I also hate scarves.

70. I guess what I really hate is “trendy” fashion.

71. I like to dance but feel like I haven’t done it in forever. I don’t think I know how anymore.

72. Heineken is my favorite beer.

73. absolut with a splash of cran is my drink of choice. Emphasis on splash

74. I often cannot remember the night before if I drank too much.

75. I love to dine out!

76. I’m an over tipper.

77. except at the strip club

78. I judge people based off of the type of cell phone they have.

79. I do not understand people who don’t have smart phones


81. i love pedicures.

82. I don’t love manicures.

83. I use to consider myself extremely non chalant. I think I’ve outgrown that side of me.

84. I did not have my first real sexual experience with a guy until I was 21.

85. I lost my virginity to a woman at 17.

86. I did not get pubic hair until I was 17. I was a late bloomer. RANDOM as hell, I know.

87. I am not a morning person.

88. People who are irk me.

89. Erykah Badu is my most favorite artist.

90. I use to avoid confrontation. Now I believe that is the only way to solve problems. Confront it, don’t retreat.

91. I love cashews! Especially honey roasted cashews.

92. I am geechee (

93. Hence I love rice!

94. I love to take pictures.

95. I am a jack of all trades, but don’t feel I’m an expert in any!

96. i haven’t purchased music in atleast 3 years.

97. I take fiber daily like I’m 60.

98. I love naps.

99. I have a bit of voyeurism and exhibitionism within me.

100. This was exhausting.

Get to your list!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


obsess –verb (used without object) 2. to think about something unceasingly or persistently; dwell obsessively upon something.

sex: it's all i think about. it is the first thought when i wake up in the morning and the last thought before going to sleep at night. i think about the act of sex, the smell of sex, the art of sex, me having sex and when will be the next time i have sex. at night while i sleep, sex is in my subconscious mind often resulting in dreams about sex. when i'm at work i sit in my cube and fantasize about sex. i think about getting head while typing up an email. i think about scurrying off to the bathroom and having sex in the bathroom stall. when at the gym, the thought of two sweaty body up against another makes my dick rock hard. visions of me having sex in the gym shower while others are showering in neighboring stalls makes me want to bust one on the spot. i simply can't focus for more than a few minutes at a time before my mind wanders on sex again. with the slightest touch from my husband, i am aroused to no end. there's not one part of the male anatomy that i do not find sexy. i'm not sure if this is a blessing or a curse.

does this mean that i am obsessed with sex?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

mini's bball and birthday

The long weekend didn’t seem too long at all. Weekend days always seem to fly by. Mini had his first basketball game on Saturday morning. Even though the game was about 45 minutes late and they got their ass kicked, it was quite entertaining nonetheless. Mini did a pretty good job, scoring the most points on the team and playing the most defense. However, if you saw the team play you would know that doesn’t say much. And don’t get me started on the coach. I’m sure there’s some sort of method to his madness, but I don’t get it yet. He needs to scream at those little fuckers. They are horrible. There’s another game on this coming Thursday. At least I do not have to wake up early Saturday morning! Isn’t that shame? It’s only Tuesday and I’m already looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday. I just did that yesterday. I just love sleep. I can’t figure out why I use to hate naps so much!

Speaking of mini, we celebrated his 9th birthday on Sunday. Two of his friends slept over and we had a little party for him, which of course mostly consisted of MY friends. He had a great time though and received plenty of gifts. That’s always a bonus. It was nice having some kids over that he could play with. Any other time he calls my name 50 million times a day, but with his friends over he didn’t even have me to think about! That was a nice break for me. I must do it more often. It dawned on my while his friends were over that if mini had a little brother or sister that lived with us, we wouldn’t spend nearly as much ‘quality’ time together. A lot of our time together is me trying to keep him entertained and if he had a sibling around, I wouldn’t be doing that near as much. I’m not sure why I thought of that but I did.

Last week babymomma called mini around 9:15PM to speak with him. He was already in bed at this time, so I didn’t bother answering the phone. A few minutes later, she sent me a text asking if he was already asleep. I said yes and she then responded with “What time do you take him to school?” At this point I’m asking myself why this bitch is asking me this. She must think that he is going to bed too early. So I entertained her and responded with “He gets up at 6:50AM, why.” Her response: “Because I want to talk to him.” Well how about try calling before his bedtime??? I told her that he is in bed most night by 9, and 8:30 is usually a good time for him to talk. I also offered to have him start calling her nightly before he goes to bed. Her response? “I need my son here with me.”

My response?  “Me too.”